Clown

I don't know what you have in you
that compliments that
which i never knew i had in me

it leaves me with wonder
how close my reality seems to be with your reality,
as close as what has become you and me.

I see you walk around
and i see myself
as i would walk around -
and it's unusual
in the best way that unusual could be,
in the best way that strangers are alike,
possibly.

its not love,
nor is it something less -
an emotion that lives uniquely in us,
too rare, unnamed and untimely.

I see your eyes
and answers are more distant
than they ever were -
but still,
it never not mattered
as much as it didn't matter before
It never was as important
as it had value times before
questions are drifting and it's okay
reasons are nowhere
and it's okay.

I know that I should
leave that truth that you exist -

it will kill me, that I embrace,
and I shall die
in a way that I've never died before.

past heartaches that still bleed
would not compare,
still its a fact that i must comprehend;

what I never will understand in your gaze
is something that I will hold,
after all has been erased,

nothing will ever matter more,
nothing will ever mean so much.

and you and me would be a faded memory,
the memory that made me breathe and sing.

and you would look at me then
with nothing but a familiar clarity.
a clarity that I would feel,
but choose to hold,
now, in secrecy.

Tonight

I never thought I'd hear myself say this again,
but I don't want to be alone tonight.
I don't want to feel the security,
nor the strength that I've found in me alone;
I refuse to take pride in my independence,
and in my ability to stand on my own.

I don't want to be alone tonight,
with my objective mind as my sole companion,
with reason as my comfort,
and rationality, my defense.

i feel the familiarity in my hard-earned peace,
and hard as it might be to fully admit,
I feel no sense in this silence,
No complacency in this numbness.

I fought hard to realize that I am strong,
and my dependence is but a myth;
I myself am complete,
with no missing piece but me,
and me alone;
nights are made for the sun to rest it's core;
for minds to sleep and leave before.
nights are merely nights, and nothing more.

I never thought I'd feel this once again,
but I don't want to be alone tonight.
With your song faintly playing from afar
Without the warmth that your silly strangeness brings,
away from the depth of the emotion in your eyes,
free from the gentle curve of your lips when you smile...

I never wanted to feel this again,
For I am finally where I want to be.
In a place where I am not within the reach of hurting,
the state of mind where I am free of feeling pain.
Away from needing and longing and wanting...
here, away from where you seem to be.

Who knew that I would mean saying this again,
that I don't want to be alone tonight.
for your thought alone makes me see where I really am,
in the middle of nowhere,
floating with the new me,
free, yet melancholy...
safe, but alone.

That is what's teuw -
I am alone tonight,
with all of what I now have in me -
my security, my strength,
my pride, my independence,
my reason, my rationality,
my defense, my peace,
my complacency,my freedom,
my safety, my heart and my mind...

yet, I say this with all honesty;

I don't want to be alone tonight.
Alone,
Without the fear of not having you,
without feeling the weakness
and humility that you found in me,
without the dependence that I may feel with your presence,
without the chains that tie my heart and mind to you.
without my irrationality,
my chaos, and all my uncertainty,
without the thought that I have been fooling myself
In thinking I was whole;for it is you that complete me.

I don't want to be alone tonight.
And I am shattered,
despite the fact that I am with all that I worked hard for.
one certainty - I would be awake until the crack of dawn.
One truth stands, and suddenly, my numbness is merely a theory.
tonight, I am alone.
with everything that I thought was real.
with everything that I wish I held in me.
with everything that I now do hold true...

... without you.

magic carpet