Hide and Seek

Ireland

2011-11-19T21:49:00.001-08:00

come with me

and leave for a while the world

that finds it so easy to forget you

At Dawn We'd be in Ireland

Me, where I am, with you in my mind

in a plane that relies on my command

on when to fly and when to land

or when to fall

beyond the wall of clouds

I hear the invisible ticking of that digital clock

dots appearing in liquid air

reminding us that this won't last

as much as we need it to

as much as I need it to

Exactly like how time is never enough
where we used to be

where we always return

where we are trapped

immobile in that cruel joke

Life should be the dream

and we escape by waking up to this:

chaos and colors smiling in perfect harmony

in seats suspended a thousand miles above land

flying not in worry nor uncertainty

your hand resting on my hand

Ireland below us

three moons above us

in a purple sky with blue stars

here

Where we are always safe

where peace in me is what you find

where I can always read your mind

Where it happens all at once

where time we never had and time we will have

are all present in this moment
that stretches to the ends of infinity

and laughter is laughter that never retires

and tears are merely tears never stained with fear

no thoughts of leaving and being left behind

no thoughts of keeping and being kept aside

Where you look into my eyes

and you see your eyes
reflecting the secrets of my soul

stories that only you can bear to contain

without judgement or effort

because my stories are your stories

here, where you and me

are one and the same

your hand resting on my hand

The universe smiling above us

Ireland below us,

patiently waiting

until its time for me

to wake up.

nostalgia

2011-06-30T05:49:00.000-07:00

I long to be able to listen
to songs i used to love
without apparitions of moments
tainted by the intensity
of your memory

oh! to be cured of you
and the light of your extremes

where no fragrance is off limits-
where pleasant scents
are not betrayals
but smiles waiting to blossom
no nostalgia to wrestle with,
no deep inhaling and closing of the eyes
revealing confusing hopes of reliving
refusing, inviting

refusing
inviting

oh! to be cured of you
and the light of your extremes

where the pleasant past is not a myth
where senses are not stolen
traded to a bitter future void of warm sensation
void of truth, sound and hue
void of you.

to be full of hope once more

to live, breathe, taste and feel

the little remaining of my fleeting youth

to once again be drunk with life

and everything I once held true

oh! to be cured of you
and the light of your extremes.

Headphonaut

2011-05-24T17:03:00.001-07:00

I.

when you told me then, that you were 34
and that you looked at the stars for comfort
your voice caused an invisible blanket
of intense unsettling energy
to swirl into existence
suddenly appearing through the air from nothingness
its unseen colors lingering a bit
before tickling my ear and entering my head
a doubt-killing arrow
whose fingers shocked my brain into sudden alertness

I could bridge the gap of 10 years.
10 years would be easy.

I could add beauty and color in your projected gray life

I could be your salt.

laugh-er and listener extraordinaire
the fresh pure breeze of youth you seem to always feel you've lost
contrast to the chaos you've lived to rant about
to write about

maybe I could amuse, or better yet, amaze you
and enter the hourglass of your life,
wedging myself in the middle, to block the falling sand
disarm you with wit I thought I knew I had

II.

You are 36.
and 10 years seem to stretch farther and farther
you move too fast, and I can't keep up

you and me,
we are in this space
where time is nothing but distance.

as I remember,
a mosaic of sharpened dull emotions shape-shifts

unfounded optimism
unbearable lightness
shy, certain, earnest confidence

is now a montage of moments
moving inside this archaic analog film
playing on a slow loop inside my head
slow enough that I can count each hole on its sides
slow enough that each divider is not a divider
but prison bars in a lonely cell

slower so I can analyze and analyze
so slow it stopped making sense
so slow
that
I am
trapped

bound in the infinite frames
of an endless instant

night meditation

2011-02-09T13:50:00.000-08:00

there is darkness
and the lone voice of a teacher miles away
preaching presence and stillness,
the importance of nothingness-
hidden in the background I hear him
sometimes
I even listen

he hails emptiness
and slightly, I am proud-
It's all I have

beforehand
I saved a few minutes
going through the rounds
desperately searching for that
which may comfort my frozen soul

pain
pleasure
sticks and music
you.
in this space where you once were

sometimes
when there is kindness and mercy
I drift to that place
where I am almost asleep
and I am beside you

sometimes
I feel the night finally embracing me
before I feel it slip through my tired fingers
like vapor summoned by the waning moon

stolen by a sun that came too soon

Let It Be

2010-12-20T06:38:00.000-08:00

open your eyes
and let the fragments
fly back inside your weary head
Piece by piece.

They are harmless specks that hurt
only because you allow them to

Maybe you collect pain to feel numb,
but no explanations are necessary.
no one needs to understand-
even you.

It is what it is.

Let it be, paul sings,
And he is right-

Because after the night
light will always be here,
A coin toss between
a pleasant blanket of glorious warmth
and the heavy scorching curse of heat
Be it comfort or defeat
You and I, we deal.

Just like heavy clouds that form
to shower upon us its fleeting rain
A steady drizzle, A raging storm
Gentle moisture, or a hurricane
be it in pleasure or disdain

the sky, she throws the dice
when she needs to decide

As you and I
we wait

powerless as heaven seals our fate.

Quarter life crisis

2010-08-23T13:34:00.000-07:00

is drinking me dry.

Two Ghosts

2010-06-30T09:50:00.000-07:00

I felt the first ghost a few days ago

while driving home,
I dreamt that I loved you
and we were happy.

It was my hand that you held
inside her skin
I felt your warmth through her eyes.

Some learn early in life
that you get what you need
and rarely what you want

I wanted to love you, and after all these years
I realized that I still do want to

but maybe loving you is not what we both needed.

And I see her laugh at what you've whispered in her ear
the way I used to, before I started running away.

...

Ghost number two I felt while cleaning my room
one usual, sleepless evening

I didn't really keep your photograph
I just can't seem to lose it

dropping from books and other crevices
whenever I release my room
from stagnant dust

a smiling portrait of you as a little child
an ageless smile so new inside the photo's oldness
inside my mind's own oldness
which doesn't really need reminding
because it never forgets.

I wrote you a song that you never heard
about how love cannot be faked
How true my lines were, now I'm not so certain
but the notes were as truthful as any truth I've known
and the proper words for it might come in time
in case the first one turns out to be a lie

maybe someday, in an imagined conversation
you'll let me know what this all means

and in my mind,
we can rest
knowing we both did what we can.

sleepless.

2010-04-28T14:57:00.000-07:00

A solemn, tragic voice
treads across a sea of ethereal strings
helplessly clinging
on an acoustic guitar
To remain afloat.

selected songs
play on a radio beyond reach
as hazy eyes slowly adjust in the dark
hiding under sparks of stars that seem to glow
from fake and faint
to real and proud
and far.

Sometimes other voices
join in reciting melodic rhymes
one of them, mine
barely a whisper but divinely on time
Guided firmly by the beating pulse
pressing in the tender corner
of my tired temple

soon, in a fistful of hours
these distant little plastic stars
will give way to the arrogant sun

But for now, they remain burning
now, loudly burning,
As loud and as deep
as the reverberating sound
playing on this radio beyond reach-

that sound
urging,
wooing this dark room with its fake pentagons
to once more, surrender me
to the merciful arms of blissful sleep
so that again and again,
it may wake me up,
and remind me-

of You.

echo

2009-09-19T14:20:00.000-07:00

you are a part of me now.

and no one is to blame,

but chance alone.

its not a cause

for absurd alarm

its not obsession

nor a sense of possession

not at all.

now

you exist

like a sacred song

whose notes I will never forget

nor unlearn,

even if I tried

and when I close my eyes

fractals that I may sometimes see

will resemble how your smile might look,

outside my head

into my heart

its how my silence

could be a discreet shout,

calling out to you;

subtle yet strong,

in ways

that I can only try to do

and this time

in my muted reality,

It will be me

playing the part

of that melancholic echo-

and this will be you:

the very spaces in-between

every time that I repeat.

last rant before you expire

2009-05-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

Fate delivered my muse in an accidental plane
and although it failed to apologize for taking too long
how can you not forgive a beautiful song
however unusual its package may be

and instantly
I knew that he is the most beautiful sound I'll ever hear
So I chained him to my ear, without him knowing

and his poetry reminded me that I have no use for TV
cause I've no time to spare
from reading
and writing
and thinking of him
in-between the intervals
of each word I encounter

and in secret,
the small flame of my matchstick
silently morphs into a roaring forest fire
fed by the past, bursting with things I've left unsaid,
fed by his cynical words in my head

and without a word,
he makes me want to write
so I write.

and when I get stuck, the image of his voice
guides me through every stumbling pause
and safely
I arrive each and every time
pulled by the illusion of his presence-
comma after comma,
cadence after cadence.

Ordinary People

2009-03-26T08:40:00.000-07:00

7:30pm and tears are framing my eyes.
Not sad, just tired, sleepy.
(time to inject myself with energy)
Another one with a number of grammys under his belt
will be holding an arresting show
and I have in-demand patron tickets for free
everyone is excited:
my proud phone won't stop screaming
alerting me of messages dripping with envy

how does one humor irony?

when this is all i want to do:
curl up in warm a ball while reading the book of your thoughts-
I want no other company but your words
I want no other song but your song-
so I arm my brain with the fragile rhythm of your verses instead
to carry me through the glittering night ahead

And now I reach the part
where I clumsily grasp for words
to end this stalling masked as a rambling poem
so that I may start pasting on my priceless, practiced smile,
pretending that gold is worth my while

and later in the coliseum,
while standing and swaying with the eager crowd
and screaming in hope for an encore or two
My honest wish would be this:
For the echoes of my applause to travel far,
far too distant for all of them to hear or to see
for my genuine acclaim only to rest
wherever you may be.

The Sleep Cycle

2009-03-24T15:13:00.000-07:00

in that place between being awake and falling asleep
an army of voices including mine,
whisper night after night of feeling empty,
as darkness dissolves the illusion of comfort laid
brought by the fraudulent brightness of day

and before you completely shut your sight for the night
you speak:
what is emptiness anyways, but a feeling?
an emotion, relative and unfounded
grounded in the vast, indeterminate truth
of pristine... nothingness

but the distance from your dreams
to your every waking moment-
from the safe womb of truth in your sleep
to this space of absolute uncertainty is infinitely immense-
so wide that questions cannot help but arise,
on why, seemingly without choice,
you end up always on the same path
always doing the same thing
always opening the same door
that leads to the world
of perfect... fiction or fabrication?

but answers are not quite ready to reveal themselves,
so in respect to the stillness that you cannot see
you swallow your questions instead
and just... cope.

powerless, you stand witness as the cycle endlessly repeats,
as once more the powers that be signal the deception to start
and you have no choice but succumb to the sun
as it prods your eyes with sly lights that lie

and as you breathe in the morning air,
(with its atoms, made of sparkling, shining promises)
you make room as this time, it is the darkness that dissolves
and you wake up smiling,
just as you did a thousand times before,
hopeful...
blindly believing once more.

let go.

2009-02-15T12:14:00.000-08:00

...
...
...

the longer it lingers,
the stranger it gets.

Bullet Train

2009-01-22T12:58:00.000-08:00

Years are not what they used to be
now they go by so fast
no considerations to pain
no emergency escapes,
no mercy, no shame

like a bullet train that never stops
no options, no stepping out

It's one and the same,
the circle of dreams that never die
tortured flesh of tattooed marks,
forever fading,
never disappearing

Never mind the nausea -
the curse of twists and turns;
swallow the acceptance
of moving without moving
Choke on it if you must-
It won't matter.

And the cold, metal tracks,
they remain proud
even as they turn to brittle rust

So swift, it slices through
passing calming air beyond reach
Seasons blurring to one eternal state
of sun and grayness and last resorts of faith

There is no choice
but to stand witness as speed creates the haze

helpless in shelter
safe in disgrace.

escape

2008-09-23T17:29:00.000-07:00

higher

and higher

and higher still

deep in surrender

as warmth touches my lips and my skin

as love slowly sings in my ear

at last,

In a state of peace

I wander in paradise-

only to find out

that in heaven-

the music I hear

is still your mystic voice

your exquisite songs are interlaced

with the very air that angels breathe

calming, in my disbelief,

urging me once more -

to live.

Black and White

2008-04-09T14:39:00.000-07:00

I remember
how I reached the point of no return
the day that bitter coffee
decided to stop working for me

Maybe I needed to feel once more
how it felt to cradle lust,
frail as I betrayed my trust

Maybe I was destined for this-
a tattooed echo of lost surrender
trapped in a chamber
of forbidden secrets

dust and grainy photographs;
faded memories,
meant to tell this story-
that of me
and a man with a nameless face-

and of the pixels that formed
the fragile silhouette
of our bitter embrace

lesson learned.

2007-12-21T20:01:00.000-08:00

Slowly, I try to drown these thoughts

no hurries, I own all the time I need

desperate for any sense of urgency

in removing the sense in you and me

neding to heal this heart so burned,

another painful lesson learned.

Far is where I find myself,

caged in empty walls of air

finding peace I long to earn,

another painful lesson learned.

there, out in the bright horizon

is the blue print for a sacred apology

the one I viewed but barely heard...

another painful lesson learned.

Circus

2007-09-25T07:22:00.001-07:00

i feel

this inexplainable need

to escape

from what?
I ask my tired mind

I am cradled in silence
amidst the laughter
and pleasant echoes
of vibrant life

I still still,
waiting for the answer
that never arrives.

September (sonnet)

2007-09-11T07:52:00.000-07:00

September enters and I'm still alone
My lips give flight to words that die unheard
I ask my soul to breathe as day begins
Pretending every minute doesn't hurt
At night I contemplate on your return
I fall asleep with memories that burn:
To hold forever not with compromise
The way you held my future in your eyes.
I fail to disenchant my fears away
I watch as numbness dance with all my pain
This game of hide and seek has gone too long
I find my solace trapped in Billy's song
I mourn, for things will never be the same
I call you, but instead, September came.

...

ode to the absent

2007-07-21T12:59:00.000-07:00

I haven't met you
but I'm glad
that you're not here

I have to fall out of love
with being too alone

besides,
waiting gives me reason
not to want
to self-destruct.

and when you arrive,
my dreams will cease existing
only in blessed starlight,
painted upon the heavens
of pure abandon-
eagerly listless,
stagnantly drawn

languidly
I succumb to sleep's embrace
conscious that waking hours
are nothing more than destined steps
leading to the moment
when I'd be ready:
when, finally...
you will find me.

know for certain
that the future will never bring me fear
for it is the masterpiece
that cradles you.

you need not understand now
and I need not make it clear-

for now:

I'm grateful not to know you,
I'm glad that you're not here.

binary

2007-07-19T13:15:00.001-07:00

tonight I must try harder
to soften this silent tone

free from all disguises
that I have learned to own

bring in the newest addition
to my growing collection-

a thousand lonely empty nights
of driving home alone.

Everytime the Night Forgets

2007-01-28T10:13:00.002-08:00

the sky is a little bit darker
the air, a little bit colder
the world, a little rougher
at times when The Night forgets.

as helpless as I can be,

I struggle a little bit harder

desperately trying even my worst lies,
hoping to hold back the sea of tears
residing in my eyes -

yet I fail,
Every time The Night forgets.

and at the zenith,
the last piercing moment
that leads me to unbearable melancholy
I see your reflection in my tears-

and I remember You.

and in this sacred space
I cleanse myself of all that is ugly
in respect for the beauty of your memory

and I pray until all my tears are gone-
I forgive the world for moving on...

Every time The Night forgets.

incandescent

2007-01-14T06:03:00.000-08:00

tonight
I bridge the distance
between us

tonight
I choose to recollect your pieces.

the air dances
in strong agreement

In understanding
it paints itself with hues of brilliant sepia
and I am encouraged
by its approval

I open the suitcase
where I've hidden your radiance
and I am invaded
by this army-
an intoxicating awareness
of what was once you,
and what was once
you and me.

an eye blinks
and we are one rainbow-

visibly
I become the invisible lines
that guard the secret fractals
of your seamless spectrum

an eye blinks

and you become the gentle rhythm
of a haunting heartbeat -
a lonely tone in desolation,
dazed
yet, never alone
for I've become the silence
entwined with your pulse
in an eternal embrace-

exactly what you find
when
once more

an eye blinks

and I am with you instantly:

you
this melancholic echo-
and me
the very spaces in-between
everytime that you repeat.

mime

2006-07-04T06:59:00.000-07:00

I long to rest
the enchantment
that you have unknowingly
planted inside me

(a longing I dare not face)

I cannot help
but succumb to your rain
for it's hard to resist
when an innocent gaze
is all that it takes
to lure me in

and even though
you choose not to speak,
I need not ask
to satisfy my craving
for your story.

the windows
of your soul
betray you-
I see
your dark fairy tales,
(most of them, sad
all of them, beautiful) -

they roam,
flowing in
bittersweet grace -
enjoying resonance
inside the intensity
of your silent eyes

release

2006-07-03T01:00:00.000-07:00

I own no words
none that can absorb
these tiny
bitter pixels
that scatter
as i exhale

I'm too weak
to command
the needed presence
of comforting words
here, in this
solemn
lonely room.

I've no words
to speak of the song
of my painful heart-

so
tonight,
this is my poem:

these drops
of sparkling tears
flowing
from my weary eyes.

Sometimes we give in

2006-06-09T04:53:00.000-07:00

Its human nature -
trying to be strong
and actually succeeding

but only until

the candy coating
of joyful strength
slowly melts

struggling hard
against the passion
of luminous longing

sunset

2006-05-30T00:05:00.002-07:00

this afternoon
I saw the sun
as she rested
before coming home

from work.

Its not polite to stare,
but I did, while I could -
I needed to.

I knew she'd understand

I love her that way-
peaceful and sleepy

her light

resting

against soft

pillow clouds

noise pollution

2006-05-29T07:44:00.000-07:00

I bathe myself
with sounds
too big
and
too loud
for contended hearts

how could I give in
to the plea of my ears
when these
and all that they stand for
block away my thoughts,
sheilding me
from your memory

A fool I am
to have tatooed your voice
in all the fragile corners
of my tired mind

Its presence makes me weak

So I listen to others
as they sing -
they do
all my shouting
and my screaming

hoping that
when I walk back
into the room of silence

your unwelcomed voice
in comparison
shall merely be
a fading echo-

a distant noise
slowly drifting
to non-existence

to the past

2006-05-11T13:13:00.000-07:00

There is a place
where pain is forbidden

at times,
I deem it
to be my utopia

I seem to cry tears of wine
that you cannot resist

and
oblivious as I am,
I oblige
to your addiction.

explicity
you seem to drink my pain

needles in my heart -
nectar in your tongue.

ethereal

2006-05-11T10:45:00.000-07:00

I long
for pure
total
weightlessness -

understated
ecstacy

beyond the reach

of words
thoughts
feelings

right there,
in a distant
fragmented
dimension -

where I
become the wind

and forgiveness-

becomes me.

Galapagos

2006-04-04T11:45:00.000-07:00

once more,
Billy is singing me to sleep.
and desperately
I try to be lost in the fabric
that he has woven
for me to hear.

Tonight
This is what I choose to believe;
that I am not myself
but merely a memory
made to liberate
trapped notes
in his untouched past
and his forgotten future.

I am the lady then,
years back.

the present apple
that he breathes

the pale ghost
of christmas future -

this is all me
when I chose
not to be myself,
but his summoned muse.

And I hear his songs

and in his pain I hear my pain
only tonight,
I choose it to only be his
and without question, he agrees.

and in gentle calmness
of fake comfort
and illegible escapes-
daydreams
real dreams
and all in between,

the echoes of his voice carry me -
and for that moment, I am free.

and I sleep

In celebration of my silent victory.

...

2006-04-03T08:06:00.000-07:00

See me

Not through the mirror

But through my eyes

So that you may learn

Not the lies

Nor the estimation

Nor the impression

You have formed

From the freedom you took

To measure me...

Then shall you only

Truly understand

I am right when I say

You have not seen me

Not at all.

you

2006-03-02T17:49:00.000-08:00

Slowly
in denial
in supposed calmness
in oblivion
I hurt myself.

This
is what
you have become;

this thin
decieving
cigarette

nestled
in my shaking hand.

----------------------------------

image taken from bbc.co.uk.

----------------------------------

twister

2006-02-26T00:38:00.000-08:00

light enters the distant corner
and she sees the familiar face
now, of the stranger
that she once shared the world with.

the audience applauds,
shouting and cheering
in glorious abandon-

she hears nothing
but faint whispers
muffled giggling
and sweet ramblings-
the air outside is cold,
but he is warm.
for her,
that is enough.

colors danced as the rhythm began
in careful, beating paces-
smiles and movements
beer and laughter-
eagerness
glaring brightness

A few moments
were all that they had-
intense stares
that shared secrets in silence -
(she never spoke that deep,
that whole...)
As their eyes conversed
without words,
she bared her soul.

He looks around,
and is pleased with what he sees
and he smiles as he hears them-
the loud, faceless crowd.
the crowd that she now resides in.

It was was rough and rowdy,
as he started the night.
but she did not mind;
she was someplace safe-

here,
in the the bittersweet shade
of a silent morning,

where her eyes
were all that his eyes could see
and her voice
was all that he chose to hear
and her smile
was all he wanted to need -
and happily ever after
seemed to step out of the fairy tale

loving

misleading

embracing them.

How

2006-02-12T15:36:00.000-08:00

expansion of thought
and of theory
to hide
the inner longing
and waiting
and wanting
that she has placed
under thick,
barbed wires -
that is her escape.

In repetition
she recites:
I am fortunate,
I am not shattered.
my heart is merely broken;
my soul is only bruised.

she floats with
the sparkling notes
that fly and dance
in her room -
she is one with them;
they are her pain
and her joy
that freely move,
away from the prison
that she has planted
in her core.

Sternly,
she speaks to her mind:

read those volumes again,
every word that you remember
and those that you forget -
be the thought
that fills the space
between the lines.

listen well,
and drink the beauty
of any simple tune -
so that for you
It is nothing short
of a symphony.

watch,
reflect,
and for a moment,
fully live on the passion
pouring from the tv screen -

hoping against all odds
underneath the enchantment
and the painkillers
disguised as art

hoping,
hoping too hard ...

to heal.

symphony

2006-02-06T16:27:00.000-08:00

encased
in morning melodies -
singing birds
moving feet
dripping dew...

I remain entranced
by your lovely tune.

you are the sound
of the rainbow
in my dreams...

beautifully haunting -
and nonexistent.

I miss you

2006-02-06T11:22:00.000-08:00

I miss you in a different way -
It's not yearning,
nor longing
nor hurting
as that of before.

Rather...
It's more of solemn stillness
and echoed sadness
brought by waves of simple,
nagging nostalgia -
summernights, and endless dreams,
floating...
floating against the distant light.

Clear and certain,
I miss you...
Not with the tears
that I've shed before,
tears that used to grow,
pounding my head
in confusing beats -
throbbing,
piercing,
tearing me to pieces.

I miss you in a different way,
for now,
I forgive myself
for missing you too much,
too deep,
and once... too soon.

I miss you,
Not with denial
as that of the past,
rather,
its more of me accepting
what i refused to know
What I've failed to see before.

I miss you,
and now i am at peace,
now that I finally see
why you're not with me -

cause now, at last,
I understand...
you are where you should be.

(2003)

THE GLASS

2006-02-06T09:01:00.000-08:00

Serenade me
through walls and bounderies
between us.

I'm a long way from you,
but each night I sleep,
with your assuring melodies.

There, behind the glass of fame,
you fail to see me staring,
seeing you...

It's a tough world, divided...
you in my fiction, and me,
far in my reality.

But still,
I can close my eyes
and see you instead, staring...
seeing me.

(2003)

SECOND VOICES

2006-02-04T20:30:00.000-08:00

I try
to breathe
against the current
that is her eyes;
estranged tales
and tangled emotions -
deep and dark

and happy at times

all inside her masquerade -
a hidden tear per question,
a restless state of doubt,
substitutes for answers,
all is well, fears are out.

yet in silence,
I watch her hear him sing,
I watch her indifference
and feel her melt,
slowly,
painfully,
all in secret.

And comfort
is what I can never give.
It is what she could never feel.

And she tries to sit steady,
as she bites her nails...

waiting, still.

WAITING

2006-02-02T11:06:00.000-08:00

it seems that waiting
is a fate that I must face;
muffled voices from neighboring tables,
distant footsteps from passing strangers,
passive thoughts of melancholy
all these, my faithful company.

I swim in the middle of a fading crowd
and I am not allowed to drown.
nor am I allowed to rest my weariness;
it's dark once more and I must not mind,
It's cold, and I must not feel.

And waiting, still
is the art that I must master,
a part of me
that I have no power to cut,
or improve,
or even become complacent with.

It is my cross;
when to and not to love it
is a quest that I undertake-
a path that I must walk,
a road that I must pave.

And yes, Still, waiting in itself
Is the goal that I must understand,
amidst the sound of troubled vans
and rushing cars,
and coffee cups nearing their ends,
still, all these I fail to comprehend.

Waiting still for your promises,
way past their expiration dates...
way beyond my deadline for holding on.
waiting, alone and so silent
all the same... all in vain.

*****

*image taken from

www.magda-francot-art.com/newpage28.htm

Clown

2006-01-30T12:40:00.001-08:00

I don't know what you have in you
that compliments that
which i never knew i had in me

it leaves me with wonder
how close my reality seems to be with your reality,
as close as what has become you and me.

I see you walk around
and i see myself
as i would walk around -
and it's unusual
in the best way that unusual could be,
in the best way that strangers are alike,
possibly.

its not love,
nor is it something less -
an emotion that lives uniquely in us,
too rare, unnamed and untimely.

I see your eyes
and answers are more distant
than they ever were -
but still,
it never not mattered
as much as it didn't matter before
It never was as important
as it had value times before
questions are drifting and it's okay
reasons are nowhere
and it's okay.

I know that I should
leave that truth that you exist -

it will kill me, that I embrace,
and I shall die
in a way that I've never died before.

past heartaches that still bleed
would not compare,
still its a fact that i must comprehend;

what I never will understand in your gaze
is something that I will hold,
after all has been erased,

nothing will ever matter more,
nothing will ever mean so much.

and you and me would be a faded memory,
the memory that made me breathe and sing.

and you would look at me then
with nothing but a familiar clarity.
a clarity that I would feel,
but choose to hold,
now, in secrecy.

Tonight

2006-01-30T11:28:00.002-08:00

I never thought I'd hear myself say this again,
but I don't want to be alone tonight.
I don't want to feel the security,
nor the strength that I've found in me alone;
I refuse to take pride in my independence,
and in my ability to stand on my own.

I don't want to be alone tonight,
with my objective mind as my sole companion,
with reason as my comfort,
and rationality, my defense.

i feel the familiarity in my hard-earned peace,
and hard as it might be to fully admit,
I feel no sense in this silence,
No complacency in this numbness.

I fought hard to realize that I am strong,
and my dependence is but a myth;
I myself am complete,
with no missing piece but me,
and me alone;
nights are made for the sun to rest it's core;
for minds to sleep and leave before.
nights are merely nights, and nothing more.

I never thought I'd feel this once again,
but I don't want to be alone tonight.
With your song faintly playing from afar
Without the warmth that your silly strangeness brings,
away from the depth of the emotion in your eyes,
free from the gentle curve of your lips when you smile...

I never wanted to feel this again,
For I am finally where I want to be.
In a place where I am not within the reach of hurting,
the state of mind where I am free of feeling pain.
Away from needing and longing and wanting...
here, away from where you seem to be.

Who knew that I would mean saying this again,
that I don't want to be alone tonight.
for your thought alone makes me see where I really am,
in the middle of nowhere,
floating with the new me,
free, yet melancholy...
safe, but alone.

That is what's teuw -
I am alone tonight,
with all of what I now have in me -
my security, my strength,
my pride, my independence,
my reason, my rationality,
my defense, my peace,
my complacency,my freedom,
my safety, my heart and my mind...

yet, I say this with all honesty;

I don't want to be alone tonight.
Alone,
Without the fear of not having you,
without feeling the weakness
and humility that you found in me,
without the dependence that I may feel with your presence,
without the chains that tie my heart and mind to you.
without my irrationality,
my chaos, and all my uncertainty,
without the thought that I have been fooling myself
In thinking I was whole;for it is you that complete me.

I don't want to be alone tonight.
And I am shattered,
despite the fact that I am with all that I worked hard for.
one certainty - I would be awake until the crack of dawn.
One truth stands, and suddenly, my numbness is merely a theory.
tonight, I am alone.
with everything that I thought was real.
with everything that I wish I held in me.
with everything that I now do hold true...

... without you.

magic carpet

2006-01-30T11:02:00.000-08:00